peace.

“Freedom (from):  the state of not being subject to or affected by a particular undesirable thing.”

Sometimes freedom from one particular undesirable thing brings a new undesirable thing, a worse thing.

Sometimes going through a rough spot ends, but at the expense of a different, equally terrible something consuming you. Pain doesn’t often have a name, nor does it care to. It will nest itself deep within you, regardless of its reason for being there.

Sometimes you’re so eager to rid yourself of a certain feeling, you don’t see the next one coming. The next terrible feeling. It blindsides you. You don’t know to anticipate it.

Sometimes you wonder if there are ups and downs, or if pain just finds new ways to manifest itself.

Sometimes you think you’ll have to define peace for yourself, because everyone else’s version doesn’t fit.

Sometimes you realize that this cycle might not ever end.

 

And sometimes, you won’t come to a conclusion at all.

freedom.

We are all products of our decisions. Whenever we make a choice, there are consequences. Essentially those consequences define our lives. All pretty basic, common knowledge.

But let’s say you don’t make choices. Let’s say you sit back, and just sort of watch life happen. We’ll call it an extreme “go with the flow” take on life. It could be because you’re just remarkably laid back and don’t care to have an impact on anyone’s life, especially your own. That’s one way of viewing it.

I’m doubtful that’s true for any of us, though. It’s more likely that we’re terrified of those consequences, because somewhere down the line, pain and anger will introduce themselves. And say, “Hi, I’m a direct result of the decision you just made.” For the greater part of my life, I’ve done a strangely good job of avoiding the whole decision-making thing. And then something I loved for a long time was taken from me before I ever made up my mind about it. Something I thought would surely be there all my life, so I wouldn’t really have to choose. It’s like having a really good job offer on the table for eight years. And when they finally give the job to someone else, you almost feel betrayed. “But wait, that was my position to take.” Really? Was it? Because you never made a choice. You didn’t accept, but you didn’t deny. You let it sit there. You let someone else’s decision affect you before YOU affected you. You let life happen to you, instead of you happening to life.

Learning that our [lack of] decisions affect[s] people takes time, especially for those of us who tend to watch life instead of participate. Alas! I’ve recently decided to participate. And I’ve learned some decently messy, extremely tough lessons. But they are lessons, nonetheless. And I’m learning how to take control of my life, instead of watching it take control of me.

Lesson 1: People will get hurt. You (the decision-maker) will most definitely be one of them. But so will your friends and family. Understand that pain is a part of life. And that this world’s eagerness to avoid all “negative” feelings is destructive.

Lesson 2: Selfishness is not the opposite of selflessness. There is a healthy way to make decisions for yourself while still caring for others.

Lesson 3: When you love, love with everything you have. Love boldly, love fearlessly, love out loud. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Even among the pain, I’ve found more love during the last bits of my life than I could have ever imagined. And choosing to love back has been the most liberating feeling I’ve ever known.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.